George Bush and the Nine Millionth Dollar

It’s almost here. Can you feel the excitement? People are already starting to line up at the Pentagon, White House, U.S. Treasury Department, U.S. Capitol Building, and countless other key locations around Washington, D.C., for the midnight release of the U.S. Government’s George Bush and the Nine Trillionth Dollar by Henry M. Paulson, Jr., Secretary of the Treasury Department.

That’s right, literary fans, the excitement is building around the globe. President Bush, under the guidance of Vice President Dick Cheney (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Questioned) and Director Paulson, has already issued instructions on a strict embargo on the book until midnight on a date in the very near future but yet to be announced. Citizens will be given last minute instructions on where to queue up for copies of the book, which will sell for $45 retail. Advance-order copies are available from and Borders Books for $50. Reached by phone by Larry King, Vice President Cheney justified the extra $5.00 for those who order early by saying, “If you order late, the terrorists win.” Color-coded wrist bands will be available at select locations throughout the D.C. area for $100 each so lines are orderly as the members of the public line up for their midnight copies.

We’re almost there! According to the U.S. Treasury Department, the current debt to the penny is $8,945,504,468,375.99. Less than $35 billion to go!

“We’re very excited,” said Director Paulson, “This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime event. We never expect to hit $9 Trillion again!” This all but answers the questions billions are wondering, “Will the debt ever come down?” and, “Will there be a sequel to this book?” Paulson could hardly contain his enthusiasm for the most famous series of books the U.S. Treasury Department has ever produced, “We anticipate publishing volume both 10 and 11 in the next few years, as long as we can keep a Republican in the White House. Help us reach our goal!”

Many are hoping for some answers to long-standing questions in the new volume:

  • Who will live?
  • Who will die?
  • As the needs of U.S. citizens grow and debt increases, who will the United States borrow from next?
  • Who will the United States pass the debt to when Japan and China finally call their loans?

“The debt is the money the federal government borrows from other countries and it’s own citizens,” President Bush explained. “It’s money that we borrow.”

Thousands emailed the president after this statement, thanking him for explaining the national debt at last.

The White House and the Treasury Department announced that millions have already placed advance orders for George Bush and the Nine Trillionth Dollar using credit cards, of course.

(Graphic: Turning Left)